So as we woke up that morning the intense realization of how the day was going to be hit. I woke up early purposefully to fix an early breakfast for my daughter. She was not going to be able to eat after 7am and yet had to hang on till after the MRI was officially done. Come 7:30am she was coming down the stairs. I was on guard duty on the couch. She walks through the living room and I ask her what she is doing. She gives me a mischievous grin and says, "To get something to eat." "Are you kidding I just fixed you a huge breakfast?" I knew at that point it wasn't that she was hungry it was that she knew she couldn't eat. She wanted that sense of control and I had to point her in a different direction. Luckily, I was easily able to do that by bribing her with the portable DVD player and a movie in bed. Whew. That was close. At 9:00am the anesthesiologist calls and asks if I want to come a half hour early. Of course I do!! So we left and did errands and headed in. As we walk down the hallway her fear kicks in. Do you know what it's like to get a 165 pound 13 year old down the hallway when she doesn't want to come? As we neared the door the wonderful nurses kicked in. Oh dear Lord thank-you for those nurses. They helped me keep my sanity. They settled her fears and mine with one touch. I don't know who trained them but praises to them for what they said to these ladies. As we near the room there is an awesome pillowcase, stuffed animal, crayons, and a tv with....cable!!! Yes we do not have cable at home so it is a much enjoyed treasure when we go somewhere where they have it. My daughter was in heaven. And then this lady named Tami walks in. Our angel for the day. Knowing Alyssa's issues, she dealt with everything with a flick of her wand. Poof! She was happy again. She settled my nerves. Calmed Alyssa's fears. Before we knew it the MRI was done. 3:45pm we walked out of there exhausted and soo hungry. We got home and just crashed. 

I could not have survived this day without the prayers. The nurses who came our way were amazing!

Jeremiah 29:11, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (NIV)

Thank-you Lord for nurses and doctors who are there to help.

Thank-you for hospitals and technology beyond our understanding.

Become aware!!!

November4, 2011

Things are going on inside me. Changes. A different attitude about life. Not a sucking it up and just deal with it attitude but a God is going to get me through this attitude. Yes life sucks but I can get through this. I have managed to learn a great lesson. Thankfulness. Thankfulness in the midst of tragedy. Not unaware of tragedy and sufferings but seeing the blessings in the midst of it. God gives us blessings and we have to keep our eyes open to them because if we don’t, we lose the capablility of  being hopeful. And if aren't showing hopefulness to others. We wallow. Who wants to be a part of that??!!!

“He opened her eyes to it. Her circumstances didn’t change. Her awareness did”. –WhatWomen Fear, page 27.

This is speaking of Hagar actually. Genesis. At the beginning. She is carrying the burden of mothering a child who she will have to raise alone. Being cast out by the father of the child and his wife due to circumstances out of her control.Yes, she was out of control, but God was not. The people in her life were making horrible choices and she was suffering the consequences of those choices but God had not ditched her. In this moment, when she had lost all hope and was just giving up and decided they were just gonna die in this desert, God made her aware !!

Have you done that? I know I have. In that moment of panic you see no hope. It’s the end. Might as well crawl in a hole and give up. God makes you aware! He showed Hagar the well. There is water. There is hope. You can do this. WITH ME!!! Says God.

Open your eyes and become aware of what God is doing around you. I know I am beginning to and all I can say is, WOW!!!! 

h

"What Women Fear" by Angie Smith

So I have started a new online book study. I like this because of the easier pace. I will check back later after thinking through the Introduction. I am so looking forward to this book.

I have to let go of that???

September 20, 2011

“Instead of trying to be in control by telling my husband and God what to do, I learned to set my eyes on Christ and to ask Christ what He wanted me to do in my marriage.”

I knew this was what my problem was. I fall into this pattern of trying so hard to control my world. And God yanks it out from under me and says “No, you are not in control!” I’ve spent the many mornings reading praying studying only because I lack a job. I think that was God’s plan also. I work – I spend less time with him. I get too wrapped up with running everything else. Clay and I struggle – I try to change him. I am seeing that my focus just gets so off. My focus is so horizontal, looking at the world, and not vertical, looking at God. What causes me to do this? That is yet to come. It is apparent thought that it is a part of every aspect of my life. I am also reading  Made to Crave  by Lysa Terkurst. It is becoming apparent to me that control is all about me. My weight problem (I am currently 205 pds. Yes I admit it for my sake) is a huge issue with control. Don’t make me let go of this God!! No!! It’s mine!!!   Ugh!!! What is my problem? So as I apend sometime contemplating all this, I pray. I feel God asking me to fast. Shoot. Are you kidding? That’s really relinquishing control. I feel so out-of-control everywhere else. Now this??!!!  Of course, if I give this over I will see that God is better at this. My weight will not be an issue. My health will not be an issue. So on I push. Dear Lord, help me. 

Hope...

Mark 8: 34, 36-37
“Calling the crowd to join His disciples, He (Jesus) said, ‘Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat. I am. Don’t run from suffering. Embrace it. Follow Me and I’ll show you how’….’What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?’

Still on chapter one of Made to Crave. This verse hit me too. This is the Message version and it was so deep I had to stop and think about it. Very point blank. We have to let God lead. We have to realize we are not in the driver’s seat. Don’t run from suffering? Wow. I think of a couple of songs that talk about how suffering can actually be a blessing. Really? But yes down the road I know it is. I’ve been there. If I hadn’t of suffered I would not be here where I am. Blessed. There is still suffering right now but I am blessed. My kids. My husband. We are struggling day to day but I sit in the morning and drink my coffee and know we are okay. Yesterday was a rough day? But count your blessings. I struggle daily with my focus. My health can bring me down. There are days I sit on the couch and know getting up is going to be hard. But once I do get up and stretch those muscles I feel better. Those muscles almost fall asleep. And when I get the blood flowing through them I’m okay. It hurts at first and I have to suffer the aches and pains at first but in the end I’m okay. That is how God is with us. We have to suffer those aches and pains. I mean we are the ones who sinned and we have to suffer the consequences. But as we push through with God on our side --- wow! The end is a true blessing. If you don’t know Jesus as your savior take the time to drop me a note. Because this world is full of suffering but in the end there is a huge blessing!!! HEAVEN!!!! How wonderful that will be!!!! Hope at the end of all these aches and pains. Mmm…so nice.

Literally back to the beginning...

Matthew 19:21 “If you want to give it all you’ve got,” Jesus replied, “ go sell your possesions, give everything to the poor. All our wealth will then be in heaven. Then come follow me.”

That was the verse in the first chapter of Made to Crave. But I like to dig deeper. Never have been a halfsy kind of person. I understand it talks of selling your possessions’ but what does that mean - ?

**Possessions: greek translates ὑπάρχω meaning primarily, "to make a beginning" (hupo, "under," arche, "a beginning"), denotes "to be, to be in existence," involving an "existence" or condition both previous to the circumstances mentioned and continuing after it. This is important in Phl 2:6, concerning the deity of Christ. The phrase "being (existing) in the form (morphe, the essential and specific form and character) of God," carries with it the two facts of the antecedent Godhood of Christ, previous to His incarnation, and the continuance of His Godhood at and after the event of His Birth (see Gifford, on the Incarnation, pp. 11, sqq.).

No matter where I looked the word ‘possessions’ was used and the translation of it took me a while to get how it fit in this verse. Jesus is talking to a rich man who has come to ask Jesus what he has to do to enter heaven. Jesus quoted the commandments. The rich man says he’s done these things and asks what he is missing. Jesus then tells him this – give away everything you have to the poor. How does that fit with what I’m dealing with? Jesus is telling this man he has to give up the one thing that he can’t live without and start all over again. Back to the beginning. It’s like you are cleaning out everything and now letting Jesus start over with you. With me I crave more things than I do Jesus. I crave food for one. But food has become what makes me feel good. I tend to crave attention too to make me feel good. Approval I guess. But food was always the easy way to approval. I didn't have to be good to have food. It was always there for me. The sad thing for this young rich man is he walked away because he was not able to give up his riches. He clung tightly to them. I don’t want to do that. I want to let go and change what I crave. I can’t imagine walking away and losing the hope of heaven – eternal heaven. So I push on.

Beginning with....

May 5, 2011

So I am entering a dangerous world for me. Let me tell you my story. I am a mother of two wonderfully, creative, yet demanding children. Alyssa is soon to be 13 and is on the autism spectrum. I have been the good mom who has made sure she has had what she needs to continue to grow as much as she possibly can. Yet I have had many set backs in life and worry that she has been ‘set back’ sometimes too. More on that later. I also have Grant, ie: Samuel as he wants to be called some days but not all the time and we never know when it will change. He is 16 and a half. And a freshman in high school. Yes only a freshman. He struggles with a processing disorder that has set him back in life. He made me proud when he worked hard to overcome it but now it’s a matter of getting him actually caught up in life. He is immature and angry as hell at life. He struggles to believe in himself. I mean the boy has no desire to drive. I didn't think that was normal. But have been told sometimes it is. Because boys struggle with not wanting to fail. I try to let him know I think he is able but I am only mom and well dad is not actually in the picture. So goes on my drama. July 2004 I left my first husband. An emotional mess I was. Trying to find my way in a screwed up world with very little support except from my counselor. God love Jan!! Yes I left him. Only with the idea that this would jerk him into reality. But that backfired and I have to admit now that when I look back I know I handled things so poorly. But I was struggling through this also. I did make mistakes. After telling him I would not come back till he started counseling with my counselor did he go file for divorce. And so it began. God really jerked me into reality now!!! I was faced with raising these 2 kids on my own and living with my parents till I could figure things out. So 3 years of living with them. Intense counseling. Working and not working. I found myself in the midst of it all. Or started to. I read book after book. Prayed. Flew out to Colorado to go to the Captivating conference put on by Ransomed Heart Ministries with John&Stasi Eldredge and staff. Each step of the way God grew me. I learned about myself. About Him. About others. It has been a growing time. Now I am almost 7 years down the road. I am newly married. My husband and I still struggle. But it’s different this time. We are in this together. I know when I ‘ve screwed up. He does too. And yet we still come back together and fight through it. It’s a battle and we know we are fighting this together. We hope some day we can inspire other couples. We pray we can. But now I am focusing on me. I am admittedly in the middle of a rut. I am very over weight. I have health issues out the ying-yang. I am becoming depressed. I am done with all this. I have run across Made to Crave by Lysa Terkurst. Working on me. I just read through chapter one. Realizing this is gonna be a HUGE struggle. My husband eats poorly too and is not ready for this. So it will be me only. I pray for strength Lord. As Lysa said, “It’s not only the ‘how to’ I’m missing. It’s the ‘want to’…really wanting to make changes and deciding that the results of those changes are worth the sacrifice.” I want to do this but I have to want this enough to sacrifice and say no. Because I need this to feel better. Because I want to serve others better and I can’t when I always feel bad. When I can’t get off the couch because I hurt. And knowing it could be because I weigh more now than I did 9 months pregnant with my son. I weigh more now than I ever have. EVER!! I will say it. I am 210 pounds!!! O my. It’s time to change for my kids who will need me for years to come. For others who need me and my health is holding me back from being what I need to be to show them God’s love. I am hindering God. He can’t serve through me when I am like this. God please help me! Please.